(((((ripley))))))

isn't it a relief when we find something that just speaks to us on such a personal level so well? i agree that you shouldn't self-diagnose, but i relate very strongly to having found out about certain conditions and having felt pure relief that other ppl could understand my pain.

you seem to have a fair amount of insight into your pattern of behavior - want intimacy, scared to get it, self harm through self-blame, shut yourself away from the world until you're desperate and need someone to be a lifeline and reach out to you.

yes, it may well be a long road ahead of you. but you have also been in a monastery for 3 years!! to me, that shows you have the patience, wisdom and strength to grow and get through this. and i also feel that, with appropriate support, that you should start reaping benefits a lot earlier than 3 years time. already you've identified your relief in finding this, and are starting to let go of some of your self-blame.

when is your therapist back from holiday? you can always post here for support.

i was also wondering if maybe a support group of sorts would be useful for you? it would be a supportive environment in which you would meet other ppl, but also be allowed to make 'mistakes' and such without fear of repercussion. and, it would be something you had to commit to, so you could start to break the pattern of isolation you put yourself through.