Thank you again. I went and looked it up, based on your info, and I think that it's an accurate picture of the way things are. I've never felt "it"-like with this man, despite the emotional distance. We've shared hundreds of hours together and covered every imaginable topic, save an honest account of our feelings regarding one another.

I have told him that I "adore" him on several occasions and that he's one of my favorite people in the world, but that's as far as I can go. The closest we ever came to something resembling full disclosure was a conversation last year in which he began by saying something along the lines of "you're too nice" (those are not the exact words) and after a couple of hours ended with a question, "can two wicked people make it work?" in reference to us. At the time, I thought that was the end but it turned out I was wrong. We actually seemed to get closer(ish) after that until I lost patience with him one night after we went out. I told him that I thought he used his self-diagnosis as an excuse to drop out and not deal with the painful parts of life. He was more irritated with me than I ever remember seeing him and, again, I thought that was it, but again that wasn't the end. I apologized for losing my patience and tried to explain my feelings more clearly. Oddly, he just said "no, it's okay, now things are getting interesting" when I asked if he would prefer to let the relationship just go.

Now he's coming and I know we could spend the whole time evading and avoiding the elephant in the room, but I'm getting tired of playing that game. I just want us to move on so we can get to work. My interest in him has always been rooted, first and foremost, in the desire to work with him. We've always studied together and whenever I've gotten stuck on some major philosophical stumbling block he's been there to either listen while I worked things out or help me over it (though I don't know that he's aware of the latter).

He has a very soothing effect on me and I think I have the same on him. In the time I've known him he has become progressively more and more relaxed. When we met he had this odd, rigid way about him. His body always seemed tense, his gaze was unnaturally direct, and his manners were almost formal even when he was talking about something as crude as bestiality. He wouldn't even use my loo!

Over the year-and-half we spent together he seemed to become more human and by the time we disconnected last he would just walk into my apartment, grab whatever he wanted to eat, and sprawl out on the floor. He also seemed to be getting less and less interested in telling me what I wanted to hear (he was almost annoyingly agreeable when we first began to interact one-on-one). If it were anyone else I would have taken this as indication that things had gone south, but it seemed more like a test with him. As in, "will you continue to want me if I show you how I really am? what I really think?" I should mention that it was during this period that he also seemed to take the first actual steps in initiating some sort of display of warmth. He gave me what I still think is the best gift anyone has ever given me, a huge collection of philosophical literature on three CDs, and essentially asked if he could go with me to an opera (I was a member). The aforementioned attack by me was after the performance when we got back to my flat. He was so beautiful that night I just couldn't bear it and, again, I couldn't ...can't...'come on' to this man, or any man for that matter. I wish I could. At least things would end, one way or another.

Anyway, this is where I sit as I count the hours until his arrival. Thanks again for the input and for listening.