I'm sorry to hear about your son, Julia. For you, not for him. I don't know what you think "we all" think death is. I know what it is. It is a release from all pain and responsibility for the person who gets it, and a cause of pain for everyone left behind that cares about that person. You are the latter. It's truly miserable that you suffer.

And yes, Byzantine. This is me amusing myself. The concept that I could potentially make a "support community" give up on me makes me giddy inside. I am another SN on another thread of thousands of people here that are truly unhappy. Unlike most of them, however, I am ACTUALLY at fault for my problems. I am the one who has set my standards so high that any chance of reaching them is doomed, and I am the one who chooses to quit rather than really try. I am the one who finds all the bad in the world as too damn much, and would rather not be a part of it.

I'm going to stop talking now because I am tired. I've only eaten a salad today (and not one of those fat American salads with heavy dressing and meat), and I've taken about three vicodin and five shots. No, it's not some bloody suicide attempt (which would take WAY more of both, and require some anti-nausea drugs to prevent vomiting). I've said it before and I'll say it again, if I make the attempt it will be one of the few things I succeed at. I was enjoying it, until I got all dizzy. Still, gotta appreciate the proper English I've displayed, despite the intoxication.