In my opinion there is nothing wrong with fetishism, as long as it doesn't interfear with your ability to hold down a job, have a healthy relationship etc. Have you talked to your current partner about this? Part of what may be causing your feelings of shame is that you have to hide it. A healthy relationship means you should be able to discuss these things without fear of judgement. Your not gross or a freak at all, you just have a different sexual preference or an act you enjoy and that is okay. Don't be so hard on yourself, maybe talking to a therapist would help. Sending gentle hugs and peaceful thoughts your way and feel free to pm me anytime you need to talk, Typo