Thanks for the feedback. I felt really embarrassed about starting this thread, especially when it was up for a while and no one responded, so I didn't check back. Anyway, I'm not sure what the solution is. I think maybe I should not worry so much about it -- yes, I think this is weird and gross of me. But it's not like I'm interesting in anything that is harmful or illegal. And it's not one of those super weird fetishes most people have never heard of or imagined -- I guess mine is relatively common. Still, I would not want to impose this on anyone. Sometimes I wish I'd meet someone and luck out that they are into the same thing, but I'm absolutely fine with never acting out these fantasies for real -- I'm just concerned about my sex life. I want to have a good one where I can make a real connection. Past sexual activity hasn't been great for me. But, I don't have a girlfriend right now, so I guess I can just worry about it later.

I did find a forum for people with my, ahem, interest. Honestly, it only made me feel worse. I do think this is a little depraved that this turns me on so much, but I also see it as a very tiny, insignificant part of who I am or what I want. Seeing people (mostly men, mind you) talking about how to convince their significant others to do it and how much they love it was weird to me. I don't want to let this fetish consume me. I don't want to be thinking about it outside of sex (or, you know, alone time).

And I think I was feeling super guilty being I had looked at some porn. And well, there's only one type of porn that really has the desired effect for me. I've been on a little shame spiral of lacking self control -- eating bad, sleeping too much, looking at porn. It's all bad news. I just need to take control of my life and I'll be fine. Sigh.