I am sorry you are feel bad
If I'm not mistaken you were also dealing with undiagnosed ADD. It sounds like your H expected you to do everything regarding the children. How completely over-whelming that must have been. I jumped into my role as the dad and split duties with my wife. She did the 10pm feeding, I did the 2am feedings. We split diaper and bath duties. I'm not saying I did 50%, but I made an effort. We both work full time stressful jobs, so I always figured we split all household/child duties.

So... Baby (DD#1) was a good baby and after a few years I thought "This is easy", just under 5 years later Baby (DD#2) another beautiful girl but TOTALLY different. I had to re-learn everything. When the subject of a third baby came up, somehow I just Knew I was at my limits. I stuck to my guns and kept us at a family of four...

Seven years after DD#2 I was diagnosed with ADD. I was a pretty high functioning ADDer for 43 years, because I seemed to juggle the right number of oranges. 2009 was a really stressful year for me. New stressful job after 12 years (Great $), pretty stagnant marriage, and one of the most important family member in my life withered and died. It was the perfect storm that threw a bunch of extra oranges into my act. Anxiety attacks like I never knew were possible. My GP put me on anti depressants, which helped for a month or so, then I just felt nothing. No Good / No Bad, just Nothing... The anxiety sent me to my doc, I scored high on the BP quiz, he sent me to my first psych, who diagnosed the ADD.

Sorry for the ramble... But I could see in your story so many things that could have been me. I have so much guilt and hurt from events in the past. ADD devastates your self-esteem over your lifetime.

Please try to not be so hard on yourself