I'm sorry you had to deal with everything all alone. I know that was not easy. I suppose the way you have to look at things is, back then, you were in survival mode. You did what you could to be able to function enough as a mother while dealing with all the emotional stress of a completely removed father. If you ask me, you did what you did out of LOVE for your little baby. She just needed you to get through all that, so she could get through it and be where she is with you today. Many mother's are not only emotionally removed, but physically as well. You powered through everything and I do not know anything more respectable than that. Sometimes we aren't the happiest, most caring people, but most of the time we react the way we need to in order to move on to the next day. I believe your children are lucky to call you mom, especially when they are older and understand what you have been through. I would not waste anymore time feeling bad about something in which you had very little control. Your daughter is smart and will pick up on you feeling bad about yourself. The best thing you can do for her now and forever is to forgive yourself for being human and continue loving her and caring for her as she already knows you do