Bless your heart.

Please understand...I don't know the precise details of what happened to you, but that does NOT make you unclean or dirty or anything like that. You went through something that no one ever, ever deserves to experience. That doesn't make you a bad person Likewater...that label only applies to the person horrible enough to commit something like that. It is not your fault. You have nothing to feel ashamed about...I am only sorry it ever happened to you to start with.

I don't know what denomination you are, but I go to church myself as often as I can when I am home, which is less often than I would like (I am a Christian...Disciples of Christ denomination). I do know what the Bible says about sex before marriage, and I am in no type of authoritative position to argue or "twist" the Word. I wouldn't try to. I would only say to you that I think the provision mentioned in the Bible isn't as black and white as it is often taught...I think it is meant more as to say that fornication outside of a established, committed relationship based on love is a bad. Love is what sets our actions apart from those of other species, and is what makes it special. I think, in my own beliefs, that is the message, though as I said, I would not be so bold as to profess I am an expert on the matter, and I would not want to risk misinforming you.

On the other hand, I think for him to treat you abusively due to lack of intimacy speaks a lot of him...I can understand disappointment and frustration, as for him it's going to be something he isn't going to fully understand, and he might view it as "unfair" (though I would tell you that if you are doing this for religious reasons, that is something of a magnitude that I feel he should respect). But for him to become abusive for any reason is a no go. No one EVER has a right to be abusive to you, over ANYTHING.

And please...I know how devastating the loss of the ability to have children can be. But that does not harm or damage your value as a person...that does not make you unlovable. Please do not give up hope there. I have not the faintest doubt that out there is a guy who'll treat you as you deserve to be treated, and who'll love you for you. You only need not lose hope that he exists.

Do take care. If I can do anything for you, consider my inbox open.

My thoughts and prayers go out to you.
Harley