"My story of abuse is sickening." and you are twice divorced.

So this shows that you have a history of making poor choices when it comes to partners. Still I do not think it is reason enough to have a third party - the church - choose a partner for you. You need to learn from your mistakes and choose for yourself, because it is your life to live. Right now you do not seem to want any partner. You probably want to spend some time alone to find peace.

It seems that the medications you are on are insufficient and you need therapy to help you feel better about yourself and find peaceful answers to the question about what you are on this planet.