GENERAL UPDATE/FOLLOWUP TO ORIGINAL POST:
I didn't get to do much of the work today I had planned on, but took a step closer nonetheless. We started about 15 minutes late so it was already time crunched.
I had to answer some questions she had from last week. Then I switched topics and talked about some writings I had found from the past 1.5 years. I found some very interesting things in these writings that I thought highlighted the fact my "self-investigation" could be validated: 1) I'm a person of 2 halves; I innately believe one thing and then "inexplicably" do something different. 2) I'm sometimes afraid of my emotions. ....There are more but those 2 really stood out to me.

I mentioned 2 articles I happened to stumble on. She has mentioned before, the problem-solving model and CBT exercises to improve self-esteem/self-defeating thoughts. I've done this a couple times but I've had a problem of using it enough to make some real progress. I've mentioned in the past that once I know "not" to do something or whatever, I can't help but do it. Like when trying to meditate and "clear my mind," I immediately start thinking of everything - not on purpose but just simply because you're so aware of what you're not supposed to be doing. It's like it highlights/magnifies it already. -- Kind of like telling a kid you can't have the fresh baked cookies until after dinner and then putting them on the top shelf. The kid may have really not cared about the cookies at all... that is until they were just told they can't have them. So, naturally, you want them just because you're so aware of it now. It's not defiance.

Anyway, the point of that is that with the basic models (situation, self-critical thoughts, consequences, rational response), when people like me are aware of the irrational responses you become that much more aware of them. Also, when not making much headway or the change your expecting, your self-defeating thoughts increase 2 fold. Not productive. This article address the specifics of that if anyone's interested: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...tter-about-you

The answer to that problem (or at least an approach with more potential to work by addressing that cyclic problem) is [b]compassionate self-awareness. It takes the previous CBT model a bit further: situation, self-critical thoughts, emotions, source of thoughts/emotions, new compassionate response. This, of course is basically what I'm trying to achieve, and what some of you have replied with... just giving it an actual name and professional steps.

For every situation this is not necessary. The simple CBT model will address some of my issues as is. But for a lot of them the compassionate model is ideal, in my opinion. She agreed with me in that a lot of times I've already identified that I won't be able to change such deep rooted beliefs by the basic model. Knowing this, I kind of wonder why she never brought up such a thing as compassionate self-awareness. Oh well.

I've also employed a technique called the hunger illusion. She'd never heard of this (and I'll admit I haven't either and wouldn't expect most to either since it's relatively unknown). The best thing about it is that you can do it all on your own, without the need of a professional or supervision. Some of its processes are used in parts of other therapies and techniques - just not aware that it's actually from something else. Basically it's like not giving in to eating when you're hungry and thus inducing the hunger. But of course this actually has nothing to do with food haha!

When wanting to understand automatic behaviors - why you do something or what you can't not do something - I starting to believe the Hunger Illusion is amazing. If you didn't read the article here's the gist with an example: identify when you act automatically (a man always frantically waves his hands around when making a point, DON'T do it (the man tries to explain his point without his actions), what thoughts and feelings that come up (the man is anxious he will not be heard), trace it back (the man realizes he wasn't heard over his siblings when he was little and developed this behavior). The key to this is tracing it back; finding the connection. Once the man has realizes the root of his subconscious behavior (and understands), he can work to on overcoming this irrational belief and un-needed behavior in his adult life. The kid needed this behavior to thrive, the adult does not.

Get where its name comes from? ("The person stopping any habitual behavior becomes subject to an illusion, which becomes pronounced as the impulse mounts to resume the habit." Deny yourself "food" and you'll realize/feel your "hunger.") Do you see the connections between this and other introspective or analytical practices? Seem oddly similar to the CBT models I just talked about? How about any models you've used to help overcome some of your GAD problems? It's pretty useful across the board. I challenge you to try it! Even if you're not trying to change something. It's interesting in how it increases your self-awareness. But there are pros and cons and hey, different strokes - ya know?

There's also a bit I'd like to mention about primal therapy. If you haven't heard of it it's kind of like specific Freudian ideals on steroids. Take all of this with a grain of salt. There is a whole branch of psychology related to this and is quite respected its community. Here's some info on it from the man himself: What is Primal Therapy?

I don't find myself giving much merit to Freud's theories except for the consequences of suppression and ways we might repress. So the aspect of primal therapy that intrigues me is the part about neuroses. It's always been hard for me to believe a lot Freud's theories (apart from how absolutely whack a lot of them are) because I've never suffered any severe trauma and I've always believed my parents did the best they could. But, in my recent evaluations, I believe there is something more to be said about unmet childhood needs and neuroses.

If you didn't read the primal therapy link I'll just mention the part that's not so kooky, in my opinion. We all have "primal needs" (i.e. to be held, soothed, fed, etc.) and when these are not met in childhood problems begin to develop. A "primal pain" can develop as a result which can start neurotic thoughts (not necessarily behaviors yet). An event or chronic whatever can cause the neurotic behavior(s) to start. In the end, you'll reach a point of conflict in your life - most likely in adulthood - due to the chasm created. This was created as a result of what you had to due as a child to meet your primal needs. You develop a "new" self, or what you need to be, in order for this to happen. You have no expression of your "real" or inner self because there's no benefit to it. Eventually, hopefully, you realize that your neuroses later in life are a direct result of your created life as a child. There may not be a need for any of your behaviors anymore, but they are what you've learned. Basically, there are hundreds of ways for conflict to occur later on and **** can really hit the fan.

Reading that, and taking other things into account... it all came full circle when I thought about the things I had written. 2 selves. Conflict of thoughts and actions. Not sure who I am anymore. Afraid of my emotions. Never learned a healthy way to express them. So yeah... I've giving the "primal" aspect a good amount of credit.

Here I am at 25 not sure of who I am anymore. I do a whole bunch of things I have no idea why I do. A lot of these are definitely no longer needed. I've opened the door to a lot of ways in which my thoughts, self-esteem, behaviors, etc. have carried over hurt and undue symptoms into my adult life. From what I'm gathering, there's a giant conflict between my [/i]created self[/i] (the one I developed as a child as a means of "survival" - to get approval, love, attention, etc.) and my actual, developing, adult self. I suffer the symptoms of this conflict as a result of my created self no longer being needed. I'm constantly being reminded in situations that I face as an adult, of what to do, what I should do, need to do, think, behave, say, etc. by my created self. My created self is, essentially, no longer needed since there are no longer any developmental primal needs. I've already learned how to cope with them. But because it's no longer needed, it's freaking the F*** out. It's like it's telling you that you're walking straight into war without a weapon. ...Basically, reading into that was like expressing the things I've tried to say the past 2 years, just in actual coherent, professional terms.

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Each of these things have kind of opened my mind to get a clearer picture of what I'd like to look into. I read an interesting quote about understanding how to move on from these types of things in your life. -- It's like being a battle worn old man. You're exhausted, fed up, maybe injured, etc. and the thought of waging another war is inconceivable. Laying your weapon down and walking away is moving on. It's not giving up; it's not admitting defeat or weakness. It's knowing you're doing what's best - that you're pushed to the end from physical and mental pain of war. You can't change any of your past battles. It's definitely a part of you. But walking away with that understanding enables you to live the rest of your life in a positive manner - to not be tortured or traumatized. ....Obviously the "weapon" here is coping mechanisms, with the "war" being constant struggles (for whatever), and the "battles" being the explicit events of trauma and pain. It's easier to suppress/repress specific battles than the entire war. Walking away involves clearly seeing, understanding, and then deciding based on the entire picture.

^^ That's what I've been trying to get at. Once again, it's just put into clear and concise ways I haven't managed.

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On an interesting note about my session today, I ended with explaining the bit about my childhood developed vs. the developing adult self. Then I told her that I appreciate how she's been helping me with problem solving models and distress tolerance techniques, but I want to be a bit more aggressive in our sessions. I brought up how I've said before that I tend to be positively motivated due to negative stimuli (i.e. push harder in practice the more the coach yells at you). Of course that can be unhealthy and I said I'm not asking her to be negative, but I am asking her remember those types of things about me.

I compared therapy sessions to massages. When I get a massage I always pick the giant, scary Russian who is going to send my body through the meat grinder. I don't pick the dainty, coy Swedish lady whose idea of a massage is little finger pats. Now, everyone likes different types of massages and one is no better than the other. The Swede will help me feel refreshed, relaxed, and focused. The Russian is going to hit all the tension spots and hit on them till they release. Pain during, yes. Pain after, no. Eventually you feel brand spanking new.

She liked that comparison but told me she can't be aggressive. She started to say if I wanted something aggressive.... I don't know how she was going to finish that because I cut her off. I reminded her I didn't want her to be aggressive, per se. But just to remember sometimes I need a little extra push. I said I know she can't make me do things I don't want to do and I need to come to things on my own terms and she's not going to spoon feed me even the simplest morsel - that's just her style. But I told her she can certainly admit that I retreat or take a step back in certain situations when I don't know what to say, want to avoid it, don't know how to say it, etc. She said yes. I told her that's the type of thing I want to get beyond. So just when that happens, maybe point it out. Maybe letting me know that I'm doing it will help me try not to, if I'm unaware I am. And maybe if I am aware I am doing it, it will help knowing that I'm not fooling anyone. That progress won't be made as long as I continue to retreat in certain areas. Or sometimes I don't know what's the most important thing to focus on... so saying something like "I think we should focus on this and only this today," as a way of "trapping" or "forcing" me to address those things. If I really don't want to do it, I'm sure I would straight up say it or change the course on my own. She was still giving me some weird looks about it, but kind of said ok I'll keep that in mind.