That sounds like a good plan. I liked the hunger illusion idea. I can definitely give that a try. Tbh I think I have unknowingly used this technique to try and find out what is underneath the urge to self harm - what am I trying to cover up etc. However, unlike you, I do find it a bit difficult to trawl through the past and find the reason why I feel as I do in the present because it feels judgemental and like a blame-game because I don't really understand how to have painful feelings about situations that, as an adult, I fully understand but as a child I didn't and therefore got upset about. This probably relates to logically knowing people aren't perfect but some part in me longing for it and not liking to fully acknowledge that people are good and bad in one! E.g. how can I be angry but understanding at the same time? What would I do with that complexity? Besides I don't really have an specific events like you that I remember from my childhood, although I understand a lot of the questions you are trying to answer. I think to overcome this I will attempt to view it as Perna said: a science experiment.

One thing I have learnt from therapy, which may help you, is that sometimes simply having emotions and letting it 'hang' in the therapy room can diffuse it significantly. Sometimes I have found that I don't always need to intellectually understand where it is all coming from (in my therapy we don't overly talk specifics about childhood, just your general garden-variety unmet childhood needs theory) but having it out and seen and acknowledged can be really helpful. May be that is a technique you could try especially if you are used to having to push through lots of difficult situation? It is pretty much the same as Perna's example about her anxiety over eating ice-cream except perhaps one step earlier in that I don't go into the why's but just acknowledge there is anxiety instead of simply 'pushing through' all the time. I think it is good to be aware of our behaviour definitely but it is also good to realise our defences are there for a reason and may be if you are unconsciously stepping away it is okay to honour that in yourself too sometimes.