My latest dx- paranoid PD.

Has really knocked my self esteem and sense of self worth for six,worrying whether i am really as bad/dislikeable as the descriptors that abound for those with the diagnosis. i accept i am prone to paranoia but it's hard to think i'm like the negative descriptors. Going through my usual of vehemently denying a negative on a superficial ,surface level while owning and obsessing/agonising about it on a deeper level.
To end up with such a derogatory label after years of deliberately holding back from expressing issues and needs for fear of being labelled attention seeing/awkward/and demanding and seemingly being seen as more co-operative and docile(knowing my place in the scheme of things) is soul destroying. I thought they thought better of me and were more friendly towards me but obviously not.
Within the labelling there seems to be no room for the exploration of factors that served as a trigger to the paranoia and social anxiety namely bullying and ridicule(even sometimes as an adult) because i was physically and socially awkward and struggled then, as i do now, with knowing how to socially interact.
If anything it's made me more fearful of mentioning things for fear of a noxious mix of glossings over/outright dismissals/ and misinterpretations.

Because of the deeper rooted doubts as to whether i am a decent person, and worthy of support, as a result of this label, i have found it hard to post recently.
Quite frankly i felt less bad and stigmatised all those years ago when i was initially diagnosed with schizophrenia.