I don't know how to explain it, it kind of turns me on to see people with whom I have an erotic relationship being emotionally hurt by me. Also, I just can't find pleasure in kissing or even having sex if it's this romantic kind of stuff, just like I hate flowers and easy, loving relationships...I have such a hard time getting close to people in general and just can't seem to be attracted to someone to the point where I want to actually have sex with them, except one specific person. Over the years, I have realized that when I end up having the one I want, he is no longer of interest to me and I start searching for other men...it actually saddens me that I can't really love someone...why is this happening to me? Oh and I should add that after I hurt those people -or fantasize of hurting them-, I feel sorry for them and so sick of myself. I just find them so weak and vulnerable and...human...Am I really ****ed up?! (sorry for the language) I've been seeing a psychiatrist for 2 years, for other issues, but I'm too ashamed to talk about this...