Hamster, thank you very much for taking the time to write such an extensive response!
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
I am not sure that the hormones are clouding your thinking. It seems that the opposite is the case: your thinking is clouded without the hormones, and the hormones attempt to un-cloud your thinking.
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While I don't completely disagree with you, I'd say that this is a matter of personal opinion and perspective. I easily see how someone who has a normal relationship with their own sexuality would come to the same conclusion you do. However, acting on my sexual impulses has never made me feel anything less than terrible, so you can see how I come into my own conclusion about when I have a clear head.
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
Because, look - food anorexia is lethal in - what, 10% of cases? So it is a potentially fatal illness.
Sexual anorexia is not as fatal, but still - how come you are comparing sexuality with a drug addiction? Sex is necessary for procreation, but drugs are not. On the continuum:
- food is the most necessary thing
- drugs are not necessary at all
- sex is in-between the two
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Honestly, I never saw this issue as something that would end up being lethal like food anorexia.
It was in fact my old T who likened the experiences I explained to her as a "drug addiction." I only make the analogy because that's how it feels to me, I didn't mean to belittle serious drug addictions or anything like that!
It's just like you said. Contrary to what many people have tried to tell me, sex is not a necessity like food, water, or air. Sex is very strictly a want. I should have the willpower to not act on that want. But I so often don't, and that really gets to me.
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
Underlined in the quote are things that show that you seem to be consciously against your sexuality. You are trying to ration your desire. Food anorexics ration the intake, but not the appetite (unless they go to the extremes of taking appetite suppressants). You attempt to control yourself in deeper ways than food anorexics attempt to control themselves.
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No argument there. I AM consciously against my sexuality and I have been my whole life.
If could just snap my fingers and have my sex drive vanish forever, I would do it. Lacking that particular option I am instead trying to do just as you say, ration my desire.
I'm trying to do this step-by-step. It's embarrassing to write, but I'm trying to stop looking at porn at all and only masturbating on a fixed schedule. I know that's weird, but it helps me feel like I'm in control of my sex drive, instead of it controlling me.
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Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
It seems that the issue has received very little attention because the wikipedia article offers precious little information, but from what it does state, the therapeutic goals of treating sexual anorexia include the progression towards actual sex. So...maybe this is something for the future, perhaps distant future? Maybe something to look forward to, without rushing your therapeutic process? The ultimate goal in treating food anorexia is not just patient's gaining a bit of weight to avoid death by malnourishment, but the patient's ability to actually ENJOY food. If indeed sexual anorexia is akin to food anorexia (as the name suggests), then your ultimate goal is ENJOYING sex.
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It's true that there's not much info available on the subject that isn't just the same article recirculated. I guess that's because it's a fairly rare condition. that, and a lot of people just don't seem to want to believe such a thing as sexual anorexia exists for whatever reason. I've got my fair share of dismissive and insincere replies when I reveal this part of myself to other people. Even from my own family.
I should not deal in absolutes, but I'll say that I can't ever see myself enjoying sex. Asking me to enjoy sex is like asking someone to enjoy, I don't know, doing something truly horrible and immoral. I know that the act in and of itself is not so, but that's just how it feels to me.
I'm so desperately opposed to my own sexuality that right now it'll be a huge step for me if I can learn to simply tolerate having a sex drive at all.
Thank you again for your insightful comment, I truly appreciate all the help I can get.