Thank you for taking the trouble to try and understand. That's a trait one rarely sees.
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Originally Posted by growlithing
I'm afraid I don't fully understand, but I want to. What I gathered from what you are saying is that you physically want to have sex but you do not allow yourself to participate in sexual activity.
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Spot on. I do have a sex drive and sexual impulses. However, beyond a purely biological level, I don't want anything to do with anything sexual.
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Originally Posted by growlithing
For me, I'm scared of sex. I have no issue with masturbation, but the idea of being physically close with someone else scares me. I'm afraid to get undressed and I'm afraid of a man touching me. I really want to get over that fear because I do want to have sex, but right now I am scared of it. I read online that sexual anorexia is suppressing your sex drive to gain a sense of control and is often a result of the fear of intimacy that I expressed. Is it like a fear of intimacy that you justified by saying that you don't need sex? Do you feel the same way about masturbation? Do you feel like having sex is a sign of a lack of self control? Do you have any idea what is making you feel so shameful about this?
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I'm sorry to hear about your own troubles with sex. I sincerely hope you find a resolution.
I won't deny that when I'm on one of my "good streaks" (no pornography, very little masturbation) as I am now, I do feel a very gratifying sense of self-control. However, I wouldn't exactly say I feel the way I do over a fear of intimacy. It's just that my concept of physical intimacy doesn't involve sex in any way, shape, or form. I cannot see sex as a means of expressing affection, quite the opposite in fact.
That might just be what's hitting me the hardest actually. A deep part of me desperately wants someone to be close to. I just want so... little. Does that make sense? All I could ever ask for is a hand to hold, a strong hug, or a kiss.
To me, sex is one of the single most unloving things imaginable. The thought of having sex is horrible enough on it's own, but the thought of having sex with some I might like, maybe even love?
That's unbearable.
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Originally Posted by growlithing
Regardless, I hope you are seeing someone about this because sex is a natural, healthy part of of life and even if you never have sex, you can't will away your sex drive. That will always be a part of you and I hope you can make peace with it.
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Thank you very much for your concern. It helps, really it does.
I've have had a couple of ongoing visits with a new Therapist and am in the process of doing just what you said: make peace with this.