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iamspecial · Sep 24, 2013 at 04:42 PM

My depression seems to be bad tonight (and for the past day as well...started to hit really bad last night but there have been times before then but not like last night) as i'm wanting to harm myself and its all because of my Grandad as always. He is nothing but mean to me then has a nerve to say i'm bad to him....I just want to die with how low i'm feeling right now, I just can't keep doing this!! He gets worse with me the more I avoid him....but if I do keep in touch with him, he never has anything nice to say to me but always puts me down and makes me feel like i shouldn't be alive!!

I can't win here. No matter what I do or say...he always puts me down then calls me a B!tch and an idiot and that I treat him like sh/it (rubbish)!! It's him that treats me like sh/it and when I get so upset I sometimes respond to it as being as bad has him BUT these past few times I haven't gone to his level and haven't responded to them but he keeps more coming and I really want to say some hurtful things to him but I just can't....it's not me to be hurtful to others....I have said them plenty of times in my head to what I would say in response but I have never ever said them to him....yet he see's it to be ok to treat me this way and he must feel he is walking all over me because I haven't responded....but that's because if I respond that just gives him more to throw back at me and hurt me more so i'm not going to his level but he seems to think I will at some point but I haven't. I treat people the way I like to be treated but if they treat me like sh/it then yes i'll treat them like sh/it back....it's just the way people are....I have always known to treat others like I want to be treated so that in return they will treat you the same but not with my granddad....no matter what I say he always has a way of turning it and he always treats me like rubbish. He always makes me feel bad and makes me feel like being dead is a better option than being here. I can't do this anymore, sorry for the long rant....it's just eating me inside and I just don't know what to do.

Times like this is when I miss my Grandma the most, if she was here, he wouldn't get away with any of the things he says to me or hurt me in anyway. Makes me wonder what she had to put up with living with him 24/7....if I was her I would have either left him years ago or i'd be dead like she is now (well 11 years ago this Christmas)....it even makes me think that she used Cancer for her dying because she didn't want to kill herself (or walk away from him as she did love him a lot to say he treat her like rubbish) so when she knew she had the Cancer again she kept it to herself till it was too late to be treated and then decided to get it checked out and let it kill her. She couldn't even hold on for me....if she had left him, I would have still visited her and would have seen her more than him but I guess that wasn't good enough of an option!! I'm more than messed up with family!!
I'm just messed up and mixed up....i'm so heart broken
Stupid me