Mellors, I don't know -- this is so individual and personal that I can't possibly KNOW what you're doing right or wrong, ok?

Three possibilities come to mind:
a) you are/were with someone who you don't have the right sexual connection with
b) you're putting too much emphasis on the 'result', which does NOT work for a lot of women
c) I think it might be rare to find a woman/person that likes being in complete charge of the sexual experience. It doesn't sound healthy - in fact, my ex-husband always expected that I was supposed to be instantly orgasmic about whatever it is he was doing and if I wasn't, it was "because I didn't have an open mind" (his words). That wasn't true - my mind is extremely open about sex and intimacy, but I want balance and interactivity in my sexual relationship (not limited to a trapeze... heh). Someone who cares what *I* like, and wants sex to be about sharing rather than giving/taking. Someone like him (who expects to be in total control) might find someone like you (who wants to do as commanded) and everyone involved would be happy. But it doesn't sound like something I personally would want, nor does it would like something that could last very long.

Just some ideas...