I am so sorry you are still struggling. Please get some help. You are not alone. You are important and are priceless. I am struggling too with postpartum stuff and my baby is completely healthy and no birthing problems, so I'm so sorry you've had so much more to deal with. They say they give the hardest battles to the strongest soldiers. That's why you have these challenges. To overcome them and become a better person. Have you ever seen a psychiatrist? They are so much better than a general practitioner for prescribing meds. They went to med school too, but specialize in mental health. I did not get any decent help with feeling better about my major depressive disorder and anxiety until I saw a psychiatrist. Get in to one ASAP. Find a therapist and get in ASAP. You deserve happiness and you deserve to enjoy your children without being so sad. I promise things can get better. I am trying to make things better for myself and it's hard. So know you are not alone. Anything worth doing is not easy.