I have experienced depression after success Spal. I think it's quite common. We work really hard on something, strive for success, put all of our energy into it and expect to feel wonderful when it's done. When we don't feel wonderful, it feels like something is terribly wrong. There's the momentary feeling of YAY! I DID IT! and then there's the SO WHAT???
We are no longer fully focused... and fully DISTRACTED... by the task we have been working on. What we're left with is ourselves, and sometimes that's really tough to deal with. My depression tends to sneak up on me when I'm left to face myself alone. I'm fine when I'm fully focused and engaged in a busy project. The end of a big project is often followed by a plummet in my mood.
Depression is so insidious. It often isn't situational, so I think it is exacerbated sometimes when we have a success. We wonder why we don't feel happy... because we think we SHOULD we happy... and that's depressing.
I started a new job 2 months ago. I was extremely happy when I got the job... because I had wanted it so badly, worked so hard on getting the job, spent time preparing for the multiple interviews, my portfolio, writing assignments, etc. ... but once I actually got the job offer I felt euphoric for about 2 hours (had lots of fun writing my resignation letter
) and then I slammed back down to earth with the thought... "hmmmm... all that will change is my job. Everything else still sucks." So, the good news I had worked so hard to receive only snapped me out of my depression temporarily. Since then, I have climbed out of the black hole slowly with the help of medication... and it turns out I do love the new job.
Sometimes we tend to put so much emphasis and energy into big projects that we end up wearing ourselves out. We run on adrenaline and fumes to get everything done and we have a singular focus -- tunnel vision -- while we're doing it. Then we're just exhausted... physically and mentally when it's finished... and we crash.
I hope you start to feel better soon. I know what it's like to have that downward spiral when you THINK you should be happy instead.
You mentioned that you have trouble relating to people outside your intense work environment. It makes sense that you would relate best to people who share your interests. It sounds like your job is very important to you and you feel successful and competent when you're doing your job. You might find that you can relate to other people if you find other things that make you feel as competent and engaged as your career obviously does.
When I worked in advertising, my career was pretty much my whole life. I loved it. I was at the office 65+ hours a week and when I wasn't working, I was thinking about the next campaign. Then I got sick and couldn't work anymore. I felt useless and I no longer felt that I knew who I was. I realized that I had been defining myself and my worth as an individual based almost entirely on my profession. I had to learn how to reconnect with who I am apart from my career. Now that I'm quite healthy again and back in a busy career, I work at maintaining some balance between personal and professional. Do you have any hobbies outside your job? Finding things that make you happy and light some passion in you -- outside of your job -- would probably be very healthy for you... and it might help you relate to people outside of work.
P.S. I'm quite a chatty, outgoing person, but sometimes I'm not in the mood to make conversation with other people. I can find myself feeling uncomfortable, shy and withdrawn once in a while. When that happens and I'm in a situation where I HAVE to be social, I find comfort in the knowledge that people really appreciate a good listener. Focusing on what another person has to say and really listening can help me feel calmer. Most people love talking about themselves and almost everyone loves a good listener. Just give yourself a mental list of key questions to ask... ones that are likely to elicit long answers and do lots of smiling and nodding. That's how I get through social obligations, like work-related cocktail parties, when I'm really not in the mood to be social. Focusing on what the other person is saying can distract us from our own uneasiness.