MY INVOLUNTARY DIVE BACK INTO DEPRESSION FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS

- DEPRESSION SNEAKS UP ON YOU WHEN YOU’RE NOT PAYING ATTENTION -

A couple of weeks ago my depression snuck up on me again and I was partially in it again for a couple of days. As unpleasant as it was, it might be interesting to record how it happens and how I got back. Also, I want to be honest about my experiences as I think that’s the best way to be helpful to others.

In the period preceding the relapse,

• I was getting very busy with my work, multi-tasking too much and starting to feel like I didn’t have time to concentrate on anything for long. Things that I wanted to do at home and at work seemed like they were piling up rapidly.

• Without noticing it, I had reduced my snapping and when I was doing and I wasn’t feeling it or enjoying it as much as usual.

• Being winter, I had stopped going on my usual daily long walks (which also provides thinking time).

All this was happening without me really noticing it. Any changes were gradual. Then, on one day, I got some minor but unexpected bad news at the dentist. This news precipitated a sharp decline in my mood and I was back in my previous depressed mode of existence. I observed the following.

• I had a strong urge to think negative thoughts and other negative things that happened in my life came back into my mind continuously.

• I had a strong urge to escape in some way by finding some distraction.

• My brain felt foggy and slow. My confidence nearly disappeared.

• SNAPPING did something still, but now only partly helped and no longer brought me entirely out of it. It now brought me partly out of it and only for a short time.

• I had a fear that SNAPPING was going to not work for me anymore and I would be trapped in depression forever.

• My usual feeling of good will towards humanity in general disappeared. Strangers were irritating and obstacles in my way if anything.

• I didn’t realize it at the time, but my posture had changed. I no longer had my usual hero pose and was slumped.

• I actually got into a mini-conflict in the PC chatrooms. I had the impression that people were being bullied and this caused me to be upset. I say this many times in the forum, but when it happened to me, it didn’t occur to me. Even though my perceptions were correct, my reaction was, nevertheless, just a symptom of my depression.

• In Yoga class, I was frustrated and upset if I couldn’t do a posture. I was agitated and it was hard to concentrate. I felt an urge to escape.

When the weekend hit, I slept much longer than my usual 8 hours. After sleeping about 12 hours, I woke up feeling a bit better. I resumed snapping boldly and consciously and enjoying the snaps and, quite quickly, I re-entered my healthy happy mode of existence. Snapping, actively deciding, being in the moment, hero posture, joy at being alive and having good will towards everyone and feeling like my brain is working again.

The whole thing was unpleasant, but I do feel that I have learned from my brief excursion back into it. Depression sneaks up on you when you’re not paying attention. The more I think about it and experience it, the more I think I’m really right in what I’m saying at the top of the thread.