Ok this is a sex issue related to my desires and being shamed for it.

I can't explain how times my sexual needs are not the usual vanilla sex. My friends expect me and my mom and her family want me to find someone to marry and then do whatever, but my friends I'm referring to and my family are on a different planet than me.

I hate it, where I live is very conservative bible belt land. Everyone is very opinionated like me and stubborn and closed minded. Some of my friends aren't open minded as others perceive them its somewhat legit and the rest is a front to fit in.

I find having sex with someone you are close to arousing but if I have to do so much **** and have blue balls for ten years to get married then not liking the outcome. Then why the **** should I bother. Note.. I'm not getting married btw they aren't making my decisions, I just hate being reminded on who I should have sex with and how and what's normal or not. When they don't get I don't care about what they think and they need to mind their own. My mom doesn't do this to my sister. She's had sex with three guys at our house already when she used to live with our house, but no one bats an eye or says a word.

I am seeing a sex therapist my current therapist is hooking me up to talk about this and gender issues, but I don't like feeling undermined or treated like I'm inept to have sex.

When they don't even know me.

I have a very high libido my therapist suggest I might have a medical condition with it that makes it hard if I don't masturbate I get very sick in my lower abdomen, my chest, and testicles. It makes me nauseous and cough a lot. I get hot and cold flashes and its because of something down there with something else. I have to see a dr on that.

I haven't had sex in two years, I don't know how with the time some people who haven't in many years way more than me specifically males can go on with life. I can't its like I have to do it over food and water because I will get really ill get sick and sore all over.
It's not helped me at all. The last person I had sex with wasn't enjoyable definitely by far the worst. I only had sex with four people including two ex girlfriends, but I'm sick of masturbating and feeling like a piece of **** when I'm depressed. Or I hate feeling uncomfortable feeling horny when I do all the time. Like its non stop it only stops if I truly focus but it doesn't last on and the other is sex which I wont get horny for another hour or two if I'm lucky. Mostly I get off then its back up and running fully horny again.

Its been like this since I was raped as a child. Its gotten much worse and its hard to eat do anything at home where I'm not doing it.
This is hard for me to post, because it's hard to understand unless you go through it yourself