I'm sorry to hear of your troubles, and I want to offer you some support and hugs! This groups is great for that, even if we can't do anything to affect the day to day lives of other members, it just helps sometimes to know you're not alone and that people do care.

Could it possibly be that you are looking to women as lovers because of the abuse you suffered as a child? I could understand not wanting to be with a man after being abused and penetrated against your will. At least with a woman, that (ostensibly speaking) can't happen. I would ask yourself if you're really sexually attracted to her, or if you just like how she makes you feel when you're with her. Would you happily go down on her, does that idea turn you on? Are you actually attracted to her body? Or is it just that you like having someone to talk to, a good friend who you feel safe with?

I like to call myself 'straight with lesbian tendencies'. I find some other women attractive, and I can appreciate the female form. But the idea of sex with a woman mostly turns me off. I would totally share a woman with my husband (if we could ever find one we both agree on who is willing) and maybe even have fun with a strap on, but I could never go down on a woman, and I do not find female genetalia particularly appealing. (Except for boobs, I think everyone likes boobs. lol.)

Being in Egypt, you're a world away from me here in the USA. I understand that our two countries have differing views on homosexuality, and that it would be much more difficult to be "out" in your society. So I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. Hugs.