Quote:
Originally Posted by Patagonia
I'm in a slave/Master relationship. When I told my T she thought I was seeking pain. Sort of a redemption from past sins. This made me feel terribly guilty. So I tried to stop. Honestly. But I couldn't & can't. It's what I am.
Many people will say, oh this relates to ur past trauma. Really it has nothing to do w/ it. It never really comes out, but has only empowered me. I love it.
My T didn't really accept it & things I wanted to discuss about the lifestyle she just didn't understand nor wanted to. So I decided to stop seeing her. I don't need that source of guilt anymore.
I'm different. I'm unique & in today's standards of trying desperately to fit in, I know I need to find my own path.
|
Maybe my kinks and fantasies were caused by my past trauma. Maybe they weren't. I don't think it's that simple. I think someone's sense of sexuality and the origins of it is deeply complex and probably can't be pinned down to simply one or two things.
Pretend for a second that it was 100% caused by trauma (which I don't think is true). It makes no difference. The trauma I went through happened when I was in preschool- 12. The brunt of the physical and sexual stuff happened in elementary and early middle school. Stuff that happens to a child is going to permanently alter the way they will view the world. I don't even mean that in a strictly negative way. I could be completely healed from my trauma but still have a "different" perspective on sex. However, tons of people without abusive histories love BDSM and it clearly isn't completely trauma based.
All I know for sure is that this is something that has been apart of my sexuality since the very moment I started being able to acknowledge having sexual urges and debatably even longer. I don't think this is going to go away. It will grow, evolve and shift as I do, but this isn't something I believe I can continue to run away from or pretend isn't important to me.
I really hope LCM will support me and understand that this is very serious to me. I really need her acceptance and guidance even if her guidance is that she thinks I should seek out a mentor within the community.