You still may not be ready to find a therapist, but I'd really urge you to do so before getting into BDSM in practice. My experience has been that it is possible to do it in a way that is psychologically healthy for you, but also very easy to do it in a way that may retraumatize you or reinforce feelings of self-loathing, self-destructive tendencies, etc. The latter is, in my experience, *not a good thing.* Really, really not. I'm glad I had a T who was willing to let me talk about these things, and explore my motivations, to make sure that what I was doing was satisfying for me but also healthy.