Quote:
Originally Posted by twylah
We do live together. I talked to him about my concerns and he said he would try to do things differently but that it was hard when they are not his kids. Since then he is quieter about his criticisms--not yelling--and maybe he is criticizing a bit less but there is still no warmth and he still ignores her most of the time. Yeah, I have talked to some others who feel the way you do about it. It is kind of a deal breaker if it doesn't change. Just not sure how long I should give it to see if his "trying" results in a good outcome for the kids...
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Twylah,
This is not "kind of a deal breaker" it's an absolute deal breaker, and it will continue to happen as long you allow for it.
Ask yourself some very hard questions, and answer them honestly, without feeling bad about what's already been done; you can't change the past but you always have an influence what comes next!
Questions:
1. Is this man's love (for you) worth the damage that you know his behaviors and attitudes are inflicting on your children?
2. Is allowing this continue to your children worth the very slight possibility that this man may change his ways sometime down the road?
3. If this man was doing the same things to you that he does to your children would you still want to be in a relationship with him; do you think that would be a good thing for you and your kids?
4. What's more important; your happiness in a relationship or your children's healthy development and having their emotional needs met by an understanding mother who seems to know the score?
last question...
5. Is this the way you envisioned your children would grow up and be raised by you*?
*Because if you allow for this continue than your are including his methods in the raising of your children, thus you are equally as accountable for any affect it may have in the long term...
You are truly two steps ahead of the game here; you know what your children need and you are aware that this man's actions and attitudes are harmful to your children. Many mothers who have such partners don't know these things and the children are very badly damaged in the process...
What you need to realize is that whether he is their biological father or wants to be a 'step parent' or not; having this man in a live in situation where he is the male figure of household places him in a parental roll within your children's perspectives, and in turn your children will be looking to him for acceptance, approval, love and support because you brought him into the house as your partner.
You need to leave that man and focus on your children until you find someone who shares similar values in life and in child focused parenting; someone who can add something to the lives of you and your kids, not cause further damage and hardship.
My 2c