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pinkflower17 · Jan 20, 2016 at 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ajpumpkin

I have anorexia, but its kind of different than anyone I've met over the years in the various treatment centers Ive been too. No treatment has really worked for me, and I've continued to struggle (now more than ever). I feel weird and like my body is defective.
I'm very strict and rigid about food and I have an amount of calories I'm "allowed" but that amount is way more than most anorexics. Also I exercise (also very rigid) but not excessive. I have rules about cleaning and meet the criteria of obsessive compulsive personality disorder to a T. But the thing is even though I eat a "normal" amount of "normal" food and don't excessively exercise, I'm starved. I'm about many pounds underweight, starving all the time, depressed, and miserable. I feel like all my body wants is enormous amounts of food and sleep. Which makes sense because I have been starving and exhausting it for a long time.
But since I'm already eating a lot calories when I'm "restricting" and losing weight it scares me to think how much my body would eat if I allowed myself to eat "enough". I would feel out of control and lazy and glutinous. I feel stuck but I'm miserable. This is ruining my life and literally killing me physically and mentally.
Has anybody dealt with anything like this?

I get where you're coming from. A couple thoughts:

You say you eat a normal amount of food. A couple things on that. 1) one person's normal is not necessarily another's, i.e. you may need several more hundred calories than say, your best friend in order to maintain a healthy body weight. 2) Are you really eating a "normal amount'? Or are you just eating more than you think an anorexic or someone with an eating disorder should eat? We can't post numbers here, although it would be really helpful in this instance, but I've been around many, many anorexics, both through treatment and professionally and for the most part, honestly, some of the sickest ones had much higher daily caloric intakes than I would have thought. I personally eat a lot more than I feel like I should to be truly anorexic, yet my weight says otherwise. I'm trying to fight back from a small relapse right now, but while I was in recovery, I had to eat a lot more than I thought to maintain a minimum healthy body weight for my height. If you PM me, I can go through basal metabolic rate, total daily expenditure calculations etc to give you a better idea of how many calories you need to maintain your weight. That is, if you're not meeting with a nutritionist. If you are, they can definitely go over that with you. Maybe that will give you some security and allow you to eat a little more. I think right now, you need to focus on not losing more first, and then worry about gaining. Take this whole process one step at a time.

Are you working with a medical doctor? A therapist? Both are really important, especially with OCPD, you need to learn some coping skills to allow you to be less rigid.

You said you've been to several treatment centers? Did ANYTHING there help. Any treatment modality? You may have to experiment some, but there are treatments and/or medications that can help with some of the symptoms you're experiencing. Have you tried any?

You're depressed, miserable and exhausted. Is this how you want to feel the rest of your life? I think we have to come to a place where we finally get "sick and tired of being sick and tired". You have to be at a place where you don't want to live this life anymore and are miserable enough that you're willing to subject yourself to a time period of being uncomfortable and generally still miserable in order to come out on the other side. The only way through any of these disorders is through them. There's no quick fix. No pill. Just hard work, faith in yourself and your treatment team, and the knowledge that you don't want to live this life anymore and the belief that you can life a happy, successful life without your ED.

Recovery is worth it. Really. There's so much more to life. I'm sure you know this, but you miss out on so much when your world revolves around this disorder.

And, at the end of the day, if you still hate life and hate everything once you've eaten more and gained weight to a minimally healthy body weight, and don't think it's worth it, you can always go back. It'll always be there.

PM me anytime. I think we've been through a lot of the same experiences and I relate a lot to everything you said in your post.

I hope this didn't come across as harsh. That wasn't my intention at all. I just want you to know that there is life after an eating disorder and that recovery is always possible, no matter how hopeless it may seem.

Hang in there. Take care of yourself.