I haven't posted in a while because some things were handled better in person. But now I have a new problem. So here's the story.

About a year ago my dad's and step moms marriage began to fall apart. They weren't communicating like they did in the past. It was becoming strained.

My dad was going through issues at work and he would get emotional about them when he returned home. People he'd worked with for at least a decade were being fired and the new management was shaking things up. He became unhappy and relapsed into his drinking.

They sought marriage counseling but it didn't help, he eventually sought his own and he vented on how he was becoming her second priority over her love of birds, giving them more attention than she gave him.

So eventually my dad sort of ran away, he was staying at a hotel in the same city for about a week. He took his unused leave time and needed a break. While that was going on my step mom was losing it because most of their cards were maxed out or approaching it.

He eventually sought AA help and she let him move back in. But she said later on that it was a mistake and the fighting got worse to the point where police would show up a few times.

****Now, I am no longer living in the house. I've moved out about 5 years ago because I work for the Army. So I've been hearing about this from family that live near them and from each of them themselves****

And one day my stepmom called and informed me that she filed divorce paperwork, and this is where my problem starts.

I went to visit them in December 2015 because I was on leave. It wasn't a good Xmas. It was me and my dad on Xmas as well as the birds and dog. Toward the end of my leave they got into another big fight over what's for dinner. they were both pretty much yelling into the phone. So my stepmom began to pack an away bag and was gonna go stay with my stepsister.

And I was hanging out in the bedroom with her, talking to her and trying to calm things down. I was conflicted. I was both mad and happy with my dad. Mad that their marriage was falling apart but happy that it was. Because I had a secret. I was hiding my love for my stepmom.
And in that time, I decided to do something.....I confessed my love for her.

I told her that I wanted to take dads place and be her husband. I had been in love with her for a while, but couldn't do anything about it out of fear of being murdered by him.

She took it softly, and said we'd talk about it. But at the same time she argued that I was her mother (she had helped raise me since I was 6) while I was adamant about her being my mother legally, not by blood.

****important note I am 23 and she is in her late 40s.****

She ended up telling my dad who was furious, which was expected but I had hoped she would keep it between us. And he hated me for it.

Fast forward til now. Things got better with my dad. He doesn't want me to **** up the division of stuff by falling in love with her. So I've kept it to myself, but it hasn't gone away. If anything it has gotten worse.

I can't stop thinking about her and what I want. I've always been told that if you want something, go after it. And I'm impatiently waiting for the divorce to be over so that I can go after what I want.

But she doesn't want to talk about it. She finds the idea of me being in love with her to be disturbing.

It's hard to let it go when I think about living with her, hugging her and kissing her. I don't know what to do.

I'm so confused.