Hey lark
I'm familiar with diffuse feelings of guilt. I'm not sure if this is what you try to describe? Or do you think you must have done something wrong "just" because you are being punished by life, but don't have a feeling of guilt/guilty consciousness?
I hope you stay strong and don't give up the fight for a right diagnosis and treatment. Hold your spirits high!
Online forums can be a good tool to find out what you're dealing with. I know a lot of people will frown upon me for saying this, but a mixture of own research and getting in contact with people who have your suspected dx can help to figure out what you are actually suffering from. If you feel you found something that seems really fitting, you can walk up to a professional and explain your symptoms and what and why you suspect to have.