I'm not sure what to think at the moment. I'm about two weeks postpartum, so I'm afraid to jump the gun. After all, I'm aware that at this point it could be the baby blues. At the same time, I'm not sure if the thoughts I've been having typically occur with the baby blues, or if they're indicative of something else.
The pregnancy was unplanned, so during my first trimester I did experience some depression. Being trans (female to male, obviously), I wasn't sure I could go through a pregnancy. But when I considered terminating, and felt repulsed at the idea, I knew that I was already attached to the idea of having a baby, and to the baby itself. I, also, knew how badly my partner wanted children. That didn't stop the depression, though, as I tried hard to adjust to the idea of being both trans and pregnant.
The depression faded in my second trimester. The rest of my pregnancy was relatively smooth. That's the part that confuses me. Except for severe morning sickness (I was beginning to suspect hyperemesis until it faded during my 20th week, and only came back a few times throughout past there), I had an easy pregnancy. My second trimester was more difficult than I'd expected, but I didn't have GD or preeclampsia or anything like that. In fact, other than anemia, I had a very healthy pregnancy that resulted in a 7 lb 14 ounces baby girl.
The first week, I was filled with euphoria. Immediately following birth, I was washed over with a sense of extreme happiness. I cried a lot that first week, but they were happy tears. It wasn't until this week that things slowly began to shift. Sometimes, I still cry happy tears. I love my baby girl so much, and she and my partner are the best things that ever happened to me. But the past three days I have felt so anxious, and so on edge. I'm not sure what to think. I have had some intrusive thoughts that frighten me. I'm filled with "what ifs". I'm so scared of losing her, my partner, and everything we've built that it seems my mind has turned against me, turning every little thing into a "what if". The intrusive thoughts are terrible, and I know I'm not that person. So, I'm confident it isn't psychosis. That doesn't stop me from being terrified that I'm losing my mind.
I've felt lonely and isolated, too. My partner returned to work this week, and he works ten hours a day, five days a week. I feel abandoned, which I know is silly because he still comes home at night, and he's doing this to support me and the baby while I can't work. Still, I have zero friends, and only have my mom nearby. She visits sometimes, but due to her own depression can't visit all the time. So, I feel depressed. Which I'm not sure is postpartum or the baby blues, given that it's not been more than two weeks yet. And I'm, also, not sure if intrusive thoughts can be a symptom of postpartum depression.
I told my partner that if it gets worse I want to get help. I have sat on depression untreated in the past, but this time is different. This time I have a huge responsibility - a baby. I'm considering medication, but I'm not sure what to expect. Could it be more than the baby blues? Could it be more than PPD? I've read about PPOCD, but it seems to be lesser known. And the possibility that it could be that is terrifying me even more. Depression is familiar, PPOCD is new territory for me.
Sorry for the length. I have always tended to write too much once I get going. If it still persists into next week, I want to find help. For now, I just wanted to try finding someone who understands, someone who can talk to me through the weekend. I don't feel like I'm in a crisis, so I don't think I need to call crisis. Yet, I can't call for an appointment until Monday as most places are closed on weekends. That's why I'm here. I'm isolated, and I want someone to talk to now.