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jimmy rich
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Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: California
Posts: 361
8 yr Member
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Default Aug 16, 2016 at 02:36 AM
 
I don't know if I am DPD but, since my wife just passed away, I am seeing how I am once again sublty looking for someone I can DEPEND on for: advice, wisdom, courage, help, a good memory, lots of cool ideas and some kind of a mother or friend. This all goes back to early childhood when I was prgrammed to depend on my 1 yr older brother. I know I am dependent but fight it a lot now that my late wife is gone. She is still here in spirit and comes to give me ideas and help BUT I want to be independent or at least interdependent and not such a worried, fearful little doormat any more. I constantly reject or ignore impulses to get involved with someone just to have a dependable or strong connection. I am not "lonely" but have a tendency towards finding HELP or support. I am willing and able to become my own "loving parent" and stop looking for the aid and emotional support of others - who will most likely become my boss and over-seer. UGH! I had enough of that when I was little. My late wife was not a boss or tyrant but I unwittingly made her into my parent and leader. Now that she's gone, I feel quite alone and empty handed about how and why to live life. I am, however, getting more and more ideas for doing things my way and on my own rather than be led or told what to do. It's fun being independent and setting my own courses. Today I went to a movie and when it ended, I went over to another room and watched another movie FREE! Then I went outside and did whatever I wanted to do WITHOUT being told what to do or led by anyone! This is a bid step for me! I feel quite happy to be led and controlled BUT not all the time! Now, it's up to me to lead and handle myself and I sure hope nobody comes along to overwhelm me and become my BOSS again! I'd love to have a loving friend and partner but I am vulnerable to becoming their doormat again - dammit! Wish me luck.......
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Thanks for this!
JadeAmethyst