"Im desperate to break free from feeling like an unprogrammed piece of equipment."

I wish I could tattoo this on myself... I wish I could scream this... You've given voice to something I've felt my whole life!!

I'm not sure if I have a personality disorder, but I decided to browse this forum anyway. What I DO have is very similar to what you're describing; scared to lose people close to me, idolizing someone to the point of worship, so SO afraid of speaking up against anyone's opinions or desires. I spent so many years literally without a sense of self and just recently realized what had been going on.

Since then I've been working on saying "No." I've been working on forgiving myself for imagined future mistakes. (You know when you think "I shouldn't do this because I'll mess it up, I don't trust myself"?) I've been working on fully accepting WITH ALL MY HEART that we "all make mistakes". (Which is easier said than believed, I know.) It's a process that you can't find in books and you won't find in a self help program. These things ARE something that can be worked with alongside a therapist or counselor, and I'd greatly advise you seek out their help as I have.

All my love to you. <3