I fell in love as a young adult. It shocked my completely. In fact, I had a 'date' with her where I rejected her exactly 14 years ago today. I was in love wit her for 5 or 6 years, even though I didn't see her for a large amount of time.
Then isolated myself for 8 years. I reentered the world now 4 years ago. I guess it hasn't been going really smooth, as I do not seem to have made any new friends. It seems I don't have a clear idea how to do it and not a deep desire for the inbetween phase. I tried to socialize and I didn't get that much out of it. And out of the people I did meet, none gave me the vibe I think I need to have a friendship. Let alone it actually developing.

Last year, I guess history repeated itself. It made me a lot more conscious again about being a social and rounded person and about the influence of healthy relationships on your personality. It was also very painful to become aware that for me it is so black and white, and the pain I feel because a rejection is not simply a rejection. It is both losing your religion, a piece of you being taken from your soul never to be given back, and a charge against the person you truly are.
And all it really is is some infatuating and brain chemistry. But the truth is, I would sacrifice anything for that silly notion. And my rationale fought tooth and nail against that 14 years ago, which brought me nothing.
The thought that people who lose spouses or children to death have really something to grieve at, jumps through my mind a lot. But at the same time, I feel like at least those people can go forward. And my fate is to have tasted something so that now I know exactly that what I desire most deeply, but will never be able to fully experience. Which is an absurd notion.

My only consolation, I guess, is my flat affect. Without it, I would truly be an unproductive miserable person. Now, I often feel content or even happy, when I worry that in fact I should still be in despair, promting me to take more extreme action.

I have made progression, but at this rate I will be in 10 years where I ought to have been 10 years ago.

As you had no real question, this is how I feel. I should note that I have no diagnosis, but that I can't phantom I wouldn't have gotten the schizoid diagnosis if I had had a diagnosis years ago. The psychologist I did see months ago, laughed out loud at my question if it might not be schizoid personaloty disorder, and without hesitation, claiming I had self-ridicule (apparently as a counter-argument). Her suggestion was to get tested to be placed somewhere on the autism spectrum.