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Old 01-18-2017, 01:08 PM
Hotice Hotice is offline
Junior Member
Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: Nigeria
Posts: 24
Hotice Hotice is offline
Junior Member
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Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: Nigeria
Posts: 24

3 yr Member
Default I was told I was paranoid, but u don't know if it's true.

Hello sir/MA.

I think I am not normal, at least compared to people around me. Ever since I was a little kid I have always been a curious child, always ready to learn new things, understand how things works, and questioning everything in my environment. When I begin to grow up, I was more interested in sciences than people around me, so I was and I am basically a nerd but my social skills have been deliberately improved by me that one could easily mistake me for an extrovert.

Fast forward to my high school days. I was always among the top best three students in high school, but there was something odd about me, that people around me notice, I hardly talk to people, I am hardly found around other people, I never had a circle of friends, but I was generally friendly and compassionate to everyone who approaches me, and I don't discriminate. Since I was a kid, I have always been a very sensitive child to criticism, anytime my siblings does anything that hurts me, I would be hurt so badly that I enter a very low mood, and I cry at night when no one sees me before I can feel better after some hours. I am very sensitive to criticism, I get hurt easily, I have anger issues, I overreact but all these emotional issues only happens occasionally, while interacting with other people, it NEVER happens on its own without an external provocation.

Once someone does something little that a normal person won't see a big deal in it, I would see it as a big deal and ruminate on it for sometime and get into the low mood again, after some hours, I would get back to my normal happy self. And I would even be friendly to the person that hurt me initially if the person approaches me casually, but if the person doesn't approach me, I would be on the guide around the person.

I visited a clinical psychologist with over 10 years of experience, who diagnosed me of having paranoid personality disorder, but most of the questions he asked me based on the criteria for PPD, they didn't quite describe me for most of the time, they describe me when I am in a bad mood.

Whenever I am in a bad mood which is usually after someone does something that I consider malevolent, I usually exhibit all the symptoms of PPD, but after that bad mood, the symptoms almost disappears, as if I am a different person. But generally the PPD symptoms describes me during those bad moods, but for most of the time I do not exhibits those signs just out of the blues, except someone steps on my toes, which is when I get really paranoid, outside that, I consider myself normal.

I read in several places online, that people most times exhibit ppd symptoms without actually having ppd, could it be that I just exhibit ppd symptoms sometimes, due to some other reasons, without actually having ppd? I do not take any meditation for any mental illness or any psychological illness, I have no history of past psychological illness, I am an healthy individual.

Let's look at the criteria for ppd one after the other :

1.The person with PPD will believe others are using, lying to, or harming them, without apparent evidence thereof.

Yes, I have on some occasion thoughts my close friends were using me, or exploiting my naivety to their advantage, sometimes with real and obvious proofs that others agree with, and sometimes with intuition and logical conclusions that others don't see as obvious or substantial enough to be 100% sure. But if my close friends never say or do anything malevolent, I can NEVER out of the blues accuse them of trying to use or manipulate me. I must have seen something they are doing and present it to them to disprove it, most often they tend not to address this proofs and not just talk about it, the ones that look into the proofs I present to them, actually give me logical explanation and I do agree that I was wrong, without holding on to the believe that they are using or manipulating me. If they cannot disprove me, then I know they truly don't wish me well. Is that being paranoid?

2.They will have doubts about the loyalty and trustworthiness of others,

If doubt means uncertainty, then yes I do doubt people a lot because I believe we are all humans capable of doing and undoing, not because I think everyone is out to harm me, but because life has thought me a lesson that anybody, even our closest friends can hurt us at any moment, so I just take people with a pinch of salt, not accusing them of bad intention, but having it in mind that anything can freaking happen. But I will never accuse anyone of disloyalty out of the blues, never, something must have promoted it and I always present it to my suspect to disprove it. Is this Paranoia?

3,They will not confide in others due to the belief that their confidence will be betrayed.

I do not like the word "will" in that statement, because that shows certainty, that means I am certain that they will definitely betray me, which is not so. I do not think anyone will definitely betray me, I always give people the benefit of the doubt to prove themselves to me, if I accuse you of anything, I will always give reasons and back it up with logical reasoning. What I will just say is true is that, I do not have someone I can tell u that I have total trust in, that I can tell 100%of everything to, I do not have such a person. I believe every human is capable of betrayal, including me, I can betray u, u can betray me, so why would I tell a single person everything intimate about me, if at all, I do tell different people different aspect of me, but for one person to know so much about me as to my way of thinking, I don't think that person exist.

4.They will interpret ambiguous or benign remarks as hurtful or threatening,*

Yes, I agree with this one. I tend to overreact to simple and harmless statements sometimes, because I subconsciously think the person subconsciously hate it and is just looking for outlets to let his or her frustrations on me, one way or the other. The shocking thing again is that, someone might actually say something malevolent, that everyone sees the statement as malevolent including me, and I end up laughing at it, and not even getting angry at all, what people expects me to be angry at, I won't even get angry at all, even when I know the person obviously wants to get on my nerves, that's when I don't get angry, but when the person least expects it, I get angry.

5. Hold grudges
Yes, very well
6. In the absence of objective evidence, believe their reputation or character are being assailed by others, and will retaliate in some manner

Like I said before, if anyone proves to me that they actually do not attack my personality, I would totally be fine with the person and would never retaliate, I would never find excuses or look for reasons to disprove the person, unless when it's obvious the person doesn't mean me well. And I still don't understand how anybody would wait for an objective evidence before he or she can feel slighted. People feel slighted on a daily basis, do they wait for an objective evidence before they can feel slighted. I don't just get this.

7. Will be jealous and suspicious without cause that intimate partners are being unfaithful

This is definitely not me, I don't exhibit this at all, none of my past girlfriends has ever complained of this.

Please help me out of this dilemma.

How can I be 100%sure that I have PPD?
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