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mulan
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Member Since Mar 2013
Location: Europe
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Wink Feb 25, 2017 at 08:14 PM
 
I am trying to feel more and connect more with people. I realized that part of my problem comes from feelings of unreality and a somewhat disconnected mind.
I think I have loosed myself during childhood because my parents where very controlling, very critical, not very affectionate, unstable in the emotions they showed towards me. My mother is herself a little bit schizoid and my father, who was the affectionate one, was quick to anger and very scary when he was angry. So I loved him and feared him very much at the same time. My opinions were never heard and at the time I felt that most of my taste and ideas were negatively criticized by my parents and old sister.
I learn to shut down my wishes and do everything as they told me. I learned to shut down my feelings to keep myself from feeling sad and afraid of other people judgement.
Now that I have a job and I earn money I am starting to feel that I have some control over my life. I am learning that I don't have to wait for others aprovement and that I can do things on my own if I want to. But every time I come home I loose myself a bit so I can deal with my mother trying to control my life.
I want to have real feelings. I do have them when I am dreaming which is very weird. I can experience love and grief and my sleep, I know how they feel, but I can't feel them in real life.
Do you think that is possible to leave my schizoid state? Has someone been able to improve?
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