"Constructing scenarios of how everything should go" Well said!! I do this all the time, I allow myself to see things for what they should be (in my mind) and when they are not I am so let down. My wife once told me that I cannot expect for people to do what I want, people cannot read minds and if I want something I should say so. Crazy how we think everyone should just know what we want without saying so. Part of the make-up I suppose. On another note music has always helped me too. The problem is my emotions can go based on what I am listening to. I listen to so many types of music and always feel like whoever wrote some of these lyrics "get me" like I expect. My wife always says she knows where i'm at depending on what i'm listening to. This is so true, so with that I have been listening to upbeat country music for many months now to stay of my "other" paths that never lead to a good place. I know some will say this is nuts but at the same time I am sure others will get it. I too have struggled with what you speak of. Trying to recognize the issues we have. Best thing I have done is after I have one of my issues I am able to look back and see that I was wrong. Before "knowing" that would have never happened. Small steps? Yes, but nonetheless they are there!! You are obviously older which means for a long time you were the way you are. The mold is done and now the infamous word "modifying" is what you can learn. We cannot completely change who we are. We have to trick our minds and habits of what we are to become different. Our time as a child when most were taught, loved or whatever else has came and gone. Those impressionable years of our lives were stamped with a large X rather than what we should of had. We must go through life with a weight knowing what we are and that most "normal" people could never understand. We are looked at as monsters, as if we are the outcast and the one who decided to be who we are. I have said this many times before, if we could of chosen what we would be it would NOT be this. Do not waste your time looking at all these sites with info on NPD, it is like drinking poison for people like us. It is so easy for people to point fingers but so difficult to understand who we are. I believe that MOST doctors/therapists are also part of the problem. To sit with someone like us I do understand is very difficult. I know it is much easier to say someone is what they think rather than work to try and figure out a solution. Trust me I had a lot of fun manipulating P-docs and Ts. This is my issue, yes I acted the part of wanting help yet it was so easy and fun to toy with the ones who were supposed to be more knowledgeable than me. It's true, we get what we put in. We are different!! Our thought process will never be the way that is accepted. We are not evil, we were left to figure things out for ourselves. What does everyone expect? The ones who were lucky enough to be shown the way are the same ones so quick to be so negative. I always laugh when I read about the people who have had so many different relationships with "our kind". What does this say about them? Lastly, you are at least on the right track with knowing who you are. Just think for how many years of your life everything was right. Like me you probably always thought there was something not right but life was life and you kept on. The beginning stages are ROUGH, someone so perfect could be damaged? Hard to wrap your brain around, I know. Dark times are ahead, toying with many thoughts can get you in that place quickly!! One step at a time, recognize, take a breath, walk a way. Look back as much as possible to try and learn from it. Best of all, know that you're not alone.......