I'm actually not sure why I'm posting...I haven't purged in years, but, from time to time, I purposely restrict my food. I've been in a binge/starve trap (sorry, I really can't think of another word) for 30(ish) years. I am now not in the best physical health, trying to address at mo. Emotionally, I think I'm slipping backwards. Part of me doesn't care, I'm trying to convince myself I don't need any help, but, don't really believe that's case at this point.

So, what are the facts? Right now, I'm swinging between binge/starve. Far more so than normal. I'm not getting so ill, I need any intervention, but don't like how I'm thinking. Yet it also feels reassuring. Does this make any sense? I want to push further, let everything go, yet know how bad that mindset is.

What's frustrating is, I know this is my poisonous thinking kicking butt and telling me (when unwell) I'm much stronger, better, lovable, etc. These old thoughts have gone away many, many times, but come back harder the next time. At mo, I can't shake them off.

I wouldn't be logging in, if something in me didn't wana permanently break away from this rot, I don't promote or endorse Bulimia, not in any way. Yet, this addiction, it is my oldest friend. It's there like others can not be. How do you know when your sliding downwards? I'm totally aware of how fudged up this all sounds, on one hand, I'm saying I want to change, I'd like help, yet, in all honesty, the part of me who wants me ill is in danger of winning currently. I don't think I'm rational just now.... I am waiting to be referred for initial assessment and then, hopefully therapy.