Hi, I have low self-esteem and it seems to be hurting me a lot and ruining my relationships with the people I want to keep in my life. I tend to worry about how other people view me and would try to act a certain way to have them like me. But it makes me guilty knowing or fearing that I can't show them who I truly am and that they might leave me and become even more distant. Maybe it is just in my head but that's the problem. Since the beginning of pre-school, I had to act a certain way towards certain people to make myself think that they would like me. This kind of lifestyle had gotten me to confuse myself as to whether I am being true to myself or just not.

The other problem I feel that my low self-esteem is ruining is building relationships to the next level(friendship and partner). Whenever someone doesn't reply to me or seems distant. I tend to act rationally, even when I know I shouldn't but I don't like the feeling in my chest and want to resolve it quickly. This causes me to ruin my relationships and having to start it back to square one. This makes me feel like I'm desperate, not likable enough. Even draws my mind into thinking that if I were prettier or skinnier I would be happier and people would generally want to talk to me. Instead of me always having to initiate the conversation.

I recently just told someone I like them. He didn't know how to respond which leaves me feeling guilty that I am putting him in a spot that did not need to occur. But at the same time, I can move one if he rejects me. Which makes me fall into a stage of where I know that I'm not liked and probably won't find someone because each time I confess I get rejected or somehow ruin it. Makes me feel that from the years I've been living, what have I done wrong?, what have I not been doing right? this also causes me to feel empty, mad, and just generally negative. People don't like to hang out with negative people I get told that or asked why I have to be negative. But I can't help it if that's how I feel. Which brings me back to me feeling that people would not like me for who I am. I am not a happy person or at least not anymore. Each time I say something of how I feel, people get drawn back and distant and leaving me to feel that "I just ruined it".

Sorry if this makes no sense as I don't know how to explain this. But I just don't know what I should do with myself. I seem to be the one that is making my own life difficult and miserable.