Dear friends on this thread, I've read each post carefully and my heart goes out to you.
Please be kind to yourselves.
I still struggle with depression but, thank goodness I recovered from anorexia and bulimia. It can be done. Don't lose heart.
Some of your posts here are so astute and you know exactly what's happening, but feel powerless to break the terrible cycle.
Can I reflect back a few of the things you said?
You're aware that you're 'hurting' yourselves. That's spot on. You might think this is about all sorts of other things. But this is at its heart. It's clear as day once you stop doing it. It's a violent act against the self. You might as well be throwing yourselves repeatedly against a wall.
The key to escape lies right there. Look at how many times shame has been mentioned. Give up the shame right now. Stop beating yourselves up. This is a medical condition you have, similar to OCD. There is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED OF.
Secondly, you say again and again that your know you gain weight during the binges. Again, this is key. A bulimic's shape is in my experience the same as or higher than it would be if they were eating normally (it was certainly true for me). So, you're going through all that for nothing.
The third thing you said was that you can't face life without the relief of binges. That was a particularly difficult one for me to get my head around.
You know what, when you're eating normally and have let go of shame and don't want to throw your beautiful, delicate self against a wall, you can have nice food EVERY DAY. That's what you look forward to.
The food likes you, you like the food. And you're the same weight, or lower, than when you were bulimic.
Hope you don't mind me saying these things. Believe me, I put so many years of misery into ED's. I've carried vomit in plastic bags. I've spent weeks constantly bingeing and purging. I could write a book called Unusual Places I've Vomited In.
All the best, dear ones.
You are lovely, warm, sensitive, perfect creatures who deserve the tenderest of care.