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Trace14
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Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: North Carolina
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Default Nov 06, 2017 at 03:32 PM
 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Carmina View Post
I'm sick of constantly putting on a 'brave face' to the world, having a constant smile, telling people I'm 'fine'. It's become such a habit this smiling and trying to appear 'well', been doing it my whole life, that it's making me feel worse because a) it's a lie, and b) it's such hard work to maintain and it's wearing me out the more I have to put into it and the worse I feel inside.

And yet I also don't know how not to be 'well' - I'm so afraid of people seeing me as someone who can't cope and I've always been the one who copes with anything (because inside nothing really touches me - I just dissociate). I don't know how not to habitually smile or say 'I'm OK' when asked.
I could have also written this post.I hate to lie. But it's better than expressing what I really feel to people and seeing their "get over it" expressions. Or them changing the subject so not to listen to me. Just easier to lie and avoid the extra stress. I don't remember what it feels like to be different, to enjoy life, to love. Not sure that is attainable anymore.

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