Yes I could but I would still find a way to make it another way of coping. I don't think I'm explaining myself well - it's not the surface behaviours in themselves, they are just manifestations of the fact that I need to maintain this exterior level of functioning and can't fundamentally 'let go' of that - it's blocking me from really dealing with how I am. I wish I could take time out from myself. I feel like I'm surrounded by layers of obfuscation - they don't let people really see me but they also block me from being me. If that makes sense.

It's not so much that I can't say "I'm not coping" - it's that I can't allow myself to be... not coping.