Elevated soul... yes Im going to say this... here we go again. no Im not saying this to be mean. Im saying this so that you can see whats going on because you said you are scared and dont know what is going on.......

if you reread your past posts you will see you have this same pattern in your posts where you are on track and doing ok, your doctors get you stable and on a treatment plan that starts to take care of some of your problems.

then you start asking questions about diagnostics and other peoples experiences with things you admit in your posts that you havent been diagnosed with yet.. basically researching online and on members...

then you take a break from posting and come back with posts loaded with how you went out, got drunk and high, cant remember what happened, add in the dangerous things, suicidal things. then after someone posts they are afraid for you, you post things like Im ok, everything is fine its just this or that.....then when no one answers you posts get more erratic and suicidal... (including things that later you say didnt happen), then when people do express their worry over you, your posts start saying dont worry, Im ok its just this or just that. and denying this or that, then we all have to point out to you in your posts where you said this or that happened...

my point I used to do this same cycle all the time, my doctors get me started on a treatment plan, then I throw it all to the wind and then complain to my friends how I messed up, how something strange is happening to me, and how maybe this or that happened while I was under the influence, but with no proof that the unremembered idea of something happening to me happened. denial when confronted... the whole works....Ive been there and done that...

heres the thing.... my having DID was to protect me not cause me problems. that meant that if I was out drinking and out with friends that were doing things my alters kept me safe. they prevented future rapes, not caused me to be raped, they were there to prevent someone from slipping me bad drugs, they were there to help me get home when I could not do so.... in other words they were there to do the things I could not do for myself since before I was 5 years old. it was this part of what DID was in me that enabled my doctors to see my pattern of self sabotaging and diagnose that pattern as other things then my DID. kind of like the rule for DID is the problems cant be because of other things. (you can read the actual DID rules at your library in the diagnostic books)

anyway by removing everything that was not DID and not dissociative symptoms like i thought they were, my treatment providers saw my pattern for what it was, my acting out, my going through the same cycles over and over again, Im not saying it was easy, it wasnt, I had to have patience and work with my treatment providers not against them. I had to choose to stay away from the drinking, I had to stop using mental disorders as an excuse of why I was drinking.

you already know doing drugs and alcohol keeps messing you up and makes you have dissociative like problems. (you have said this many times in your past posts) so why do it. like me you may have to sit down and look closer at why you keep doing the same things over and over again. only you can find your answers and make things so that you get better or stay in the same problems over and over and over and over again.

the good thing about psych central is there is always going to be people reading and replying to posts, it may not be the same people reading and replying because people do get better and move beyond staying stuck in the same patterns, which means they focus more on reading and posting to others like them that are moving on, not staying stuck in the same patterns over and over, but with thousands of members joining every day theres always going to be people here at the very least reading your posts and some will reply... thats evidence that you are not alone and never will be alone in this...

but even then its still up to you to decide whether you want to keep drinking and keep doing drugs, which causes you (by your own admission many times in your own posts, not making a diagnosis here) to not remember things, have hang overs, lime loss and other drinking and drugging problems that may or may not be dissociation depending on what your own treatment providers call it.

I chose to move on from that cycle of being around friends that drank to oblivion and did drugs around me... you are going to have to make your own choices.

when you decide to move beyond this cycle there is help.....

there is a board for addictions maybe you can find someone there that can tell you more about how they got unstuck from drinking and doing meth and weed.

your doctors can also get you into detox like they have before.
your doctors can also help you to get into alcohol and drug treatment programs.