Hello there and welcome to PC.

I am so very sorry to hear what you are going through in your marriage -- that is devastating to say the least. A betrayal as such hurts like hell, so I can only imagine what you are going through. It makes me very angry on your behalf that she did this to you. I have been cheated on, and just recently, so I know how devastating it is. I was shaking too, when I discovered my ex cheating on me.

IF she is unwilling to cease all contact with this man, I would say your only option is a separation. It seems she is seeking something outside the relationship that she feels you cannot give her. It also seems she feels you are not so compatible.

For me, and I don't know about you, but once someone betrays me with physical and/ or emotional cheating, it's over for me. I know it's much more difficult when you have kids, a home and finances involved, on top of a long-term marriage and relationship, but it's so very hard to trust again. You would be constantly on edge and perhaps even wanting to watch over everything she is doing.

And she had sex with him early on in your relationship, and hid all of this from you. She also never even tried to approach YOU with her desires and to try to make it work with you instead. She went outside the marriage. That is a weakness. She should have approached you with this.

Since this is so recent, I am sure you have a lot to process, in so many ways. But your kids are old enough where a separation or divorce, if you're even thinking this way, will not be as harmful to them, in my own opinion and experience.

Again, I am so very sorry for your pain. I wish I could give you a real hug and let you know that it won't be the end of the world if this relationship must end.

Whichever way you choose, I hope you choose what is best and right for YOU.

(((((((Hugs))))))))