Hi All. Just a quick update for those of you interested. And for anyone in the future who might come across this thread and take even a grain of comfort in what I've gone through.
Today, 11/27, marks exactly 3 weeks since I found out about my wife's affair. It has been a difficult 3 weeks for me. I thought it would get easier but it just seems like it has gotten harder. Part of the reason for that is because my sleep has been completely messed up, with me waking up in the middle of the night spending hours obsessively thinking about everything. Mostly what I think about are two questions: 1) what is it about him that is so much better than me?, and 2) what does the future hold for me and our kids?. Lack of sleep can really mess with the mind.
In the beginning, she made it clear that her Vipassana meditation practice "guided" (I know that's not the right word) her to pursue this other relationship. Finally, just last night I wondered what Vipassana, or the Buddha, or the universe would think about her betrayal, so I Googled it and found this information (
Sila | Vipassana Meditation):
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Sila, pertaining to moral conduct, is the foundation of the vipassana meditation practice. It is said that if one wants to progress on the path of meditation, then one must begin with sila. Without this foundation of moral conduct, the building of Dharma or righteousness can't be built.
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It goes on to say the following:
Quote:
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Any action that harms others, that disturbs their peace and harmony, is a sinful action, an unwholesome action... Impure action includes, killing a creature, stealing, sexual misconduct in the form of rape or adultery, and intoxication where one loses one's senses and does not know what one says or does.
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She used Vipassana as a reason why she pursued this relationship. Clearly
sila is a foundational idea in Vipassana meditation. It is very clear to me now that she 100% used the meditation practice as an excuse for her affair, because the relationship violated one of the practice's basic rules.
We have an appointment with a therapist today, so we will see where that takes us. She has secured an apartment to move into and just has to pick a move-in date. I know that time and distance are what are going to be needed for me to get through this and move on. I also woke up this morning thinking that maybe I can look at the 19 1/2 years of our marriage before her infidelity as really great, but that it is time for us to part ways. I wasn't ready and still feel that it is unfair that she got to pick the date and circumstances of our split, but I am ready to start viewing this all in a different, better way. But I'm also not putting pressure on myself.