Hello ikkusiosi: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

With regard to your particular concerns, I think the best thing I can suggest is that you consider talking all of this through at length with a therapist. It may take a few tries to find one you feel comfortable with. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) And it will likely take time to figure out what all of this means to you. But, in the end, it may be the best way to finally put this into perspective & to put it to rest.

I don't think it's possible to say what is & isn't normal with regard to this sort of thing. Children experiment with their sexuality in a variety of ways well before they understand what it's all about. I will just share with you that when I was a child (many decades ago now) I did some very bizarre things some of which even extended into my teenage years. I still don't exactly understand what was going on with me. (And way back then, there simply wasn't the access to mental health services there is today.) So what you describe in your post sounds pretty tame to me. I don't believe there is anything wrong with you. Assuming you were not the victim of some sexual abuse you cannot recall, you were simply a child doing the kinds of things children do. All is well.

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!