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Old 12-04-2017, 08:38 AM
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Default Re: Good at faking it

Originally Posted by Tabby23 View Post
I am, I guess, a pretty good faker, but grow tired of plastering a smile on my face.
A good example is all the women in my office get all excited over new babies in their families. Well, I'm kinda like.. Oh how wonderful for you. But I cannot relate to how they feel. I don't get that way over my own grandchildren.
I would never begrudge someone anything that makes them happy. I just don't seem to be able to feel happy for them.
I'm smiling along with people, but in my mind, I'm thinking I don't really care, now go away and leave me alone.
I can only tolerate people in small doses and I don't even like to have people in my home. I can't relax, no matter how well I know them.
Socializing is best done away from my home when I can leave after I feel I've spent the appropriate amount of time.
I can't say that I dislike people. I just have a low tolerance for the drama that is their every day lives.
It's troubling because from time to time I do wish I had a friend or confident. But I usually end up feeling as if people are crowding me and then I avoid them.
I clearly cannot have it both ways.
Am I alone in how I feel?
No you're not. I'm resurrecting this cause this is exactly how I feel. I'm coming to the conclusion that I've been misdiagnosed in the past and believe I'm on the schizoid spectrum somewhere.

In reading Millon's Personality Disorders In Modern Life, I identify with the Remote Schizoid variant the most.

But what you said describes me nearly word for word.

THE REMOTE SCHIZOID Although more characteristic of the avoidant personality development, children subjected to intense hostility and rejection very early in life may protectively withdraw so completely that their native capacity for feeling and relating to others becomes permanently reduced. Here, youngsters otherwise capable of normal interpersonal adjustment learn that such desires and emotions yield only anguish and disillusionment. Unlike the basic schizoid, some capacity for feeling and relating remains with the remote schizoid, but the wish for affective bonding has been so completely repressed that it no longer enters conscious awareness. Remote schizoids who are more severely impaired may also possess features of the schizotypal personality. Such individuals are often seen among the homeless, the chronically institutionalized, and the residents of halfway houses. Whereas the basic schizoid is aloof and insensitive to emotional experience, remote schizoids may express a measure of social anxiety as well as frequent behavioral eccentricities, autistic thinking, and depersonalization. At best, their low self-esteem and deficits in social competence allow them only a peripheral, but dependent, role in interpersonal and familial relationships. Most seek solitude and go through life as detached observers closed off from sources of growth and gratification. Some earn a marginal livelihood in low-status jobs, but most follow a meaningless, ineffectual, and idle pattern, drifting aimlessly on the periphery of social life. Many are totally dependent on public support.
I was diagnosed with Avpd before, and according to Millon, the remote schizoid features avoidant traits and retains some capacity for feeling.

And that description describes me word for word too.

It's nice to have some answers though. And 4 years of therapy and several therapists could not provide them.

I was far more avoidant in the first 21 years of my life, though. Regardless, I've lacked empathy as long as I can remember, and I don't know if that could be related to any PD, or if it might be something more neurological.
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