Hello cleisy: Well... I don't know as there is a lot I can offer you here. From what you wrote it sounds as though perhaps you're struggling with some serious depression. Mental health professionals tell us that depression is a disease not essentially different from any other. And so, that being the case, one does not have to have "a reason" for being depressed. A person can have a great life outwardly & still struggle with depression. It may be that the best thing you could do for yourself would be to seek the services of a mental health therapist with whom you can explore what you are experiencing. It may take some time to find the right therapist for you. (Not every therapist works well with every client.) But if you can find one you feel comfortable with, the experience may be well worth the effort.

Family therapist, Kati Morton, uploads mental-health-related videos onto her YouTube channel. She's done quite a few on the subject of depression. Here are links to a couple of them:

https://youtu.be/_9N7eWSgi7o

https://youtu.be/51vdnwrfsNA

Also, here are links to a couple of articles from PsychCentral's archives on the topic recognizing depression:

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/scien...ure-depressed/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archiv...sed-to-notice/

And, then, there is PsychCentral's Depression Screening test:

https://psychcentral.com/quizzes/depression-quiz.htm

Anyway... I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!