i've known for a long time that i'm sex-repulsed due to trauma...
but lately i'm feeling that maybe i'm not anymore, or perhaps i'm somewhere inbetween being sex-repulsed and not.

i masturbate frequently, but i feel like i still don't actually want to have sex.
i'm terrified of the idea of sex, honestly. masturbation itself is still painful, although pleasurable, so i can only imagine how bad sex would be.

i even have specific "kinks" that i find pleasure in, but still, i don't think i actually want to have sex. is that weird?

so i guess i would refer to myself as asexual since i don't have much desire for sex... but something about me still wonders and thinks i might like to at least try it... but i'm still terrified of the notion and i doubt i'll ever actually have the courage to try it after all that's happened to me.

the trauma makes me feel guilty for having any sexual thoughts or desires at all... it'll probably be years before i actually find myself attempting anything, if i ever do at all.

i'm just really confused and unsure of how i should deal with such a situation. it's like. i want to do things, but at the same time i don't. i'm scared.