This is exactly what I've been thinking about all day today. Yes, the bossy authority is in a weird way attractive sometimes. Maybe because my dad took so much negative comments from my mom, I veiwed him as weaker than her, and yet he'd lose his temper only occasionally with her. He kept trying to win her love, his whole life. I don't think she ever loved my dad. She's talked to me about a rich man in holland she could have married. I thought my dad never knew, but he told me a while back that he did know. He could never measure up to her expectations. He was kind, with dry humor. He never hit me. He tried once. He was so messed up I don't blame him for anything. My mom was depressed and angry, and wished my dad would discipline us, but she was the abuser and negligent. I guess I learned to hate myself from her depression and neglection and abuse.

No, I don't think I love this man. He is cold, stingy, and just told me tonight that what turns him on the most is my boobs, face, and telling me "I want to f*** you".
That's not love either. I'm planning on ending this. Will I? I hope so.

Thanks for everything. He wasn't even jealous or disturbed when I explained this man bought me roses and is open to friendship with me.

I'm tired. Thanks for seeing this thread. I am free, I just feel trapped but as you said, I'm not.