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Old 01-20-2018, 12:43 PM
LKJ1DK LKJ1DK is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
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LKJ1DK LKJ1DK is offline
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Member Since: Jan 2018
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
Posts: 2

1 yr Member
Default How I became free from the burden of OCD

Hi everyone,

As a pre-teen and teen I suffered from OCD that just kept becoming more and more of a burden in my life, until it suddenly came to an end - literally from one moment to the next.

My OCD at the time showed itself in all kinds of little rituals. The number 4 was part of many of them. 4 represented my nearest family: mom, dad, sister and myself. The rituals included kissing those family members 4 times when leaving them or coming back. I always made sure to look at all 4 ceiling corners when entering a room. When reading, I often felt that when I had finished a reading a page, I had to turn back the page 4 times before continuing my reading. When I locked a door, I always pulled the handle 4 times to check that it was locked. I straigthening rugs so that all 4 corners looked right, and did a lot of other non-sensical things that did or didn't involve the number 4.

I was always obsessively checking that windows and doors were locked, that there were no bad people hiding anywhere, that no stove was left on - looking out the windows checking that there was no fire anywhere in or near my home - just to mention some of my safety oriented obsessions.

One of my greatest burdens came to be a nightly prayer that I had to say out loud. Well, I did it at a whisper, but I felt that I had to actually say the words. The prayer included mentioning by name all the people that I cared about most, and everything else in my world that I wanted to protect. If I said anything wrong, I had to start all over again. The prayer became longer and longer over time.

I have never had any illusion of knowing how the universe works, which means that I couldn't rule out that my OCD had some kind of influence in protecting my loved ones. Honestly, to this day, I can't say with absolute certainty that obscure rituals couldn't actually have some kind of good or bad supernatural effect on the way everything works - because how could I possibly know?

I was asked just the other day if I had a long battle with my OCD. The answer is no, because I wasn't doing anything to fight the OCD. I never wished to stop with the rituals when I had a feeling that they were protecting my world from falling apart. I hated them, but I had no desire to stop.

However, eventually I felt like I was at the point of breaking, and then, thankfully, I came to a realization. If God or some other controlling force of the universe could allow random rituals to keep people safe, then it wasn't anything I wanted to be part of. Also, it struck me that if OCD behavior had some kind of supernatural power, then how could I know that the behaviour wasn't affecting the world in a negative way, rather than the positive way that I intended.

So my OCD was replaced by a sort of apathy that came from the realization that I had no actual influence on anything that really mattered. My family and friends had no idea what had been going on. They thought I was just a bit eccentric, but of course they only saw a little bit of my OCD behavior.

The OCD is no longer part of my life in any significant way. I only feel the slightest tinge of OCD behavior once in a while, when I suddenly feel that some object should be placed a little differently or something, but then I remind myself of why I stopped, and then I can go on without worries.

Of course I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder type 2, so it is not as if my mind is perfectly healthy, but I am medicated and doing much, much better than I have been. I have a good, "normal" life with my wife and two sons. What bothers me most now, is that I long for the happiness that I have only briefly experienced due to my Bipolar disorder. Quite a luxury problem when thinking about how much other people are suffering from OCD, Bipolar and other mental illnesses.

That's all for now. I'll be happy to answer any questions and do my best to help anyone that is suffering from OCD.

Thank you for listening.

All the best

Lars
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