Chipperdear, I have almost exactly the same feelings as you do about sex.

From the age of 13 or 14 I was desperate to get a girlfriend, but this never happened. I was very shy, and later in life suffered from social phobia, which I did not get over until I was 38.

Nowadays, I am not particularly shy, and occasionally take the plunge and talk about things that are difficult for me, or even flirt. But very seldom my problem with sex. It is very liberating to hear from people with similar problems.

I have had a full fantasy sex-life, and believe I may have suffered from sexual anorexia - ie. binging on pornography and avoiding any real-life sexual relationship.

As I progress further into my middle years I am finding my sex-drive is slowly decreasing. I like to talk to attractive women, but have come more and more convinced that trying to 'get anywhere' with them would just bring back all the pain, frustration and embarassment that it has before, and half of me avoids that at all costs. I've even given up porn.

It may sound like I am drifting into a pleasant asexuality, which is somewhat the case. But I feel very alone. When sex is mentioned in chat with male friends I do a lot of implicit pretending. I feel it is wrong to flirt with women when I intend no sexual relationship of any kind (though I might want one), it is the nearest to sex I have been to for a long time and I find I sometimes cant help myself. Whereas I used to subconsciously self-sabotage these attempts (I think), I now do it more or less consciously.

I'm afraid I'm offering no solutions here, other than the therapy of talking and listening. The few friends and family I have opened up to do not want to face it and deny I have a problem.